anything i feel deep in my heart could mean anything at all

on belief

i could speak my truth, sure. but how do i trust any interpretive measure i would use to unpack that truth? how would i see it as anything other than an interpretation—a guess based on whatever ideological framework i’m most invested in at the time, whether that be psychology, a certain type of spirituality, some recently relevant political theory? at the end of the day i have to accept that anything i feel deep in my heart could mean anything at all. 

i have watched many smart, empathetic people pass off clear personal biases as “intuition,” a protective sense passed down by some higher (or inner) power that they have no choice but to obey. and it’s true that if you ignore your inner voice often enough, the psyche will revolt. but still, why do we place so much innate trust in the fickle and irrational psyche, which makes fatal errors constantly in its attempts to protect us? sure, my psyche will revolt if i continue to ignore its frequent urges and tantrums, but does that make it right? is it “intuition,” or am i being run by a glitched-out computer program that i’ve had no choice—due to its tyranny and iron fist—but to recast as a god? 

he told me he just wanted to find someone who knew more than he did, who would tell him what to do. welcome to life, i wanted to say. and i could be that for you, i also wanted to say, but you’d never admit i could know something you didn’t. we want to be freed from the tyranny of our own perspectives, but many of us, when actually given the chance, find the prospect terrifying. if i can’t even trust myself, how could i possibly begin to trust someone i have even less data about? might as well stick to my own flawed framework, remain a hostage to my own programming.

i get what he was saying though. what i wouldn’t give for someone wiser than me to sit me down and give me a diagnosis, with a clear-cut explanation for all my struggles and an equally clear-cut method for undoing those struggles until i’m happier, higher functioning, and more free. a renowned therapist, an all-knowing psychic, a respected priest. i guess what i’m describing, he said, is a parent.

despite this fantasy, i know i would never fully accept any such diagnosis, psychiatric, spiritual, or otherwise, because i would always know deep down that it was all made up. healing seems to require a sort of cultish compliance with an entire belief system; i have to believe in psychiatry to be healed by psychiatry. i have to believe in god to be saved by god. perhaps its necessary. is there anything worthwhile on this earth that can be achieved without first buying in?

relationships, by this measure, are cultish in their own right. both parties must buy into the other, choose to believe in the relationship at the expense of believing in all other possibilities. love is often ruined by crises of faith.

we both wanted to be told when to have faith, a wish that flies in the face of faith itself. inherent to faith is personal responsibility, the understanding that you could get it wrong and choosing belief regardless. in this way, what feels like submission is actually the ultimate expression of agency and will.